


A World Without You

by WardenSabrae



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:28:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22261084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WardenSabrae/pseuds/WardenSabrae
Summary: Alistair was cheesy jokes and easy smiles, comforting words and lighthearted banter. He was right there with her in the thick of a battle, not just fighting but defending. He made her smile, and made her see value in the world she might’ve missed on her own. Without him there, giving her strength and company, she doubted she would’ve lasted long after Ostagar, lost to either the Darkspawn hordes or to the grief of once again being alone (and if there was anything she learned from the woman who birthed her it was that suddenly being that alone could truly kill you).But were there truly people in the world that made Alistair feel like he was a burden? People had willingly put him down so much that he actually wished he hadn’t been born? The very concept is so absurd that she almost can’t even wrap her mind around people voluntarily devaluing Alistair’s life, or even worse, hearing Alistair himself devaluing it.
Relationships: Alistair/Female Mahariel (Dragon Age), Alistair/Female Warden (Dragon Age)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	A World Without You

**Author's Note:**

> Warning(s): Negative existential thoughts (if that needs a warning?)

* * *

  
“-I’m just saying that it’s definitely a theory.” Alistair continues. “I mean, if I were the Maker and found out that an entire pantheon of elves existed, I’d probably just ignore them. Makes things easier, you know? Sort of like a holy ‘We’ll stay out of your yard if you stay out of ours’ kind of pact!”

The thought is preposterous and probably more than a little blasphemous for both of them, but Raela can’t help but laugh at the idea of her and Alistair’s respective deities just barely tolerating each other like loathsome neighbors.

Of course, Hahren Paivel would have been far less amused, and she would’ve gotten the scolding of a lifetime if he heard her making jokes about such things, but this was probably the first time she’d ever mentioned the Creators around a shemlen without getting her entire lifestyle dragged through the mud. To be able to laugh after such a talk was far more comforting than she cared to admit and she was grateful for Alistair’s open-mindedness, even if it turned out he was simply humoring her talk of the Creator’s for the sake of keeping the mood light.

The conversation trails off there and silence falls between them, but it’s a light, comfortable silence that Raela has come to truly appreciate in the past few days. While she enjoyed Morrigan’s company she couldn’t deny that there was always a heaviness in the air after each time they spoke, and the few conversations she’d had with Leliana and Sten often left her confused or in an irritable mood.

But in every case, talking with Alistair afterwards had always helped, and she’s lost count of how many nights they’d spent just chatting in their bedrolls until they eventually dozed off or were insistently shushed by their tired companions.

Maybe it was becoming a bad habit of theirs, as Morrigan had once said during breakfast, but if so Raela definitely didn’t mind. Her nightly chats with Alistair were becoming one of the few things that she had to look forward to these days. With the weight of a war on their shoulders she had very little keeping her going as it was..

With a soft, content sigh, Raela closes her eyes, enjoying the warmth of the fire radiating towards her as her tired mind begins to seriously contemplate the coexistence of their gods, and she distantly hears the familiar creak of Alistair’s bedroll as he rolls over onto his side.

“..Ever wonder if the world would be better off without you… ?”

His words come out quietly, just barely above a whisper, and it takes a moment for Raela to actually register what Alistair had just said. She raises her head to look over at the man beside her, frowning when she sees that, despite now facing her, he is also very pointedly avoiding her gaze.

“What are you talking about?” Raela asks him quietly, and when he doesn’t answer she sits up completely, leaning against one arm as she turns to face him. “Alistair.. What exactly did you mean by that?”

“I just..” Alistair starts before he trails off. The expression that passes over his face is dark, and clashes painfully on the man she’s come to know in the past few months. “My entire existence.. it was just an inconvenience to so many people and I sometimes wonder if.. things would be better without me.”

“Better off without you?” Raela repeats. Was he being serious? The very thought of him having such genuine thoughts causes a rush of anger to suddenly flare through her chest. 

She’d spent her entire life trying to learn from the wisdom her father had left behind, to see the shemlen not as enemies but as potential allies and friends, but with one sentence Alistair had suddenly made her question the value of that lesson.

No one in her clan, or any other Dalish clan she’d met, had ever voiced such a terrible thought about themselves. It was baffling and infuriating.. She knew the attitude most of them had towards elves already, but did the shemlen really think so little of their own people that they truly had no qualms with making another feel that the gift of life was a burden?

Raela wasn’t going to pretend that she liked everyone she’d met since Duncan had taken her away to join the Grey Warden ranks, but Alistair was by far the best person she’d ever crossed paths with. He was kind and funny, making jokes at their first meeting instead of the typical ear-based insults she was growing uncomfortably accustomed to. He had a few flaws, sure, but everyone in Thedas had flaws, and even so he had enough positive attributes to level them out.

Alistair was cheesy jokes and easy smiles, comforting words and lighthearted banter. He was right there with her in the thick of a battle, not just fighting but defending. He made her smile, and made her see value in the world she might’ve missed on her own. Without him there, giving her strength and company, she doubted she would’ve lasted long after Ostagar, lost to either the Darkspawn hordes or to the grief of once again being alone (and if there was anything she learned from the woman who birthed her it was that suddenly being that alone could truly kill you).

But were there truly people in the world that made Alistair feel like he was a burden? People had willingly put him down so much that he actually wished he hadn’t been born? The very concept is so absurd that she almost can’t even wrap her mind around people voluntarily devaluing Alistair’s life, or even worse, hearing Alistair himself devaluing it.

How foul must a person be before they came to despise the existence of someone like him? Had they not gotten to even know him? Creators, the worse thing this young man ever did to her was steal her cheese during dinner and then deny it through a mouthful of said stolen cheese.

How could anyone see the light that Alistair gave off and think the world could be brighter without it?

“No.. I’ve never wondered that, not about myself and definitely not about you!” Raela finally answers in a tone sharper than she’d intended. Alistair blinks, looking taken aback as he finally meets her gaze. The light from the fire catches a glistening in his eyes that she hadn’t noticed before, and her anger flares up again at the thought of the faceless being who’d made Alistair feel such a terrible way.

“I had a friend like you once, Alistair.” Raela starts before he can speak. “He was always smiling, always joking. He could ease tension and light up a situation like no one else in the clan could, and.. he’d been my best friend ever since I was old enough to remember his face.”

“You mean Tamlen?” Alistair asks quietly, his voice breaking a little now that he was speaking again. The flash of surprise she feels must show on her face, because Alistair looks a little embarrassed before he continues. “You’ve said his name before.. in your sleep..”

“I..Yes, I mean Tamlen,” Raela affirms with a shaky sigh, but she manages to keep her voice level in spite of the pain that hearing her lost friend’s name brings. “He was a wonderful person, just like you, making every dark moment in my life so much brighter, and now he’s gone. He’s gone, and I’m never going to hear his voice, never going to see his smile, or even feel a simple touch from him ever again.”

Alistair frowns, briefly diverting his gaze from her own, but he doesn’t speak.”

“It’s been months and I still feel his loss every day, Alistair.” Raela continues quietly. “Sometimes it’s a faint pain that I can ignore but can’t shake, and sometimes it just aches so bad that I can barely breathe, but I still have to live with the fact that he’s gone and I’m still here.”

Alistair still doesn’t speak, nor does he move when Raela reaches over to take his hand in hers, but she feels the trembling in his fingers and sees the hard bob of his throat as he swallows when their hands touch. She wants nothing more to embrace him, to chase that darkness in his mind away, but first he needs to know..

“The point I’m trying to make is that.. I know what it feels like when this world loses someone amazing, and it hurts, Alistair. It hurts like you wouldn’t believe, and I know that if you’d never been born, even I’d never met you, then I would still have an ache the size of Ferelden in my heart right now with no explanation as to why I hurt so much.” 

Alistair swallows again, and Raela watches him close his eyes before giving her hand a faint squeeze.

“Why?” he finally asks, and the disbelief in his voice just hurts even more. He really can’t see it, can he?

“Because.. you’re my best friend, Alistair..” Raela answers, and the grip he has on her hand noticeably tightens. “You’re the only one who makes me laugh so easily now, and the one who gives me the strength to face each day. We have our duties against the Blight as Grey Wardens, but if you weren’t here, Alistair, I would’ve already failed. I’ve lost Tamlen, I’ve lost the rest of my clan, and now I’m bound to a life I never wanted. If I didn’t have someone like you here with me, getting me out of my bedroll every morning, then this blighted world would be missing both of us, and believe me when it say it would be much dimmer without you.”

“I doubt that.” Alistair replies, his voice still wavering a little, but he doesn’t sound self-deprecating now; if anything he sounds like he’s just trying to lighten the mood between them.

And this man thinks the world could be better without him..

“I’m sorry that people have made you feel like that, Alistair,” Raela continues, appreciating his attempt to ease the situation but not willing to let him brush such thoughts off either. “I can’t take anything they’ve said back, but.. you need to know what you still mean to people, and.. please know that a world without you isn’t one I’d want to live in.”

Alistair exhales deeply, the breath coming out short and shaky, but when he opens his eyes to look at her again he smiles. It’s a small, pitiful thing compared to the grins he usually wears around her, but it’s genuine, and it helps to ease the ache in Raela’s chest.

Reassured, Raela lays back down in her own bedroll, still facing Alistair, and if he has a problem with the fact that she’s still holding his hand it doesn’t show on his face. She’s still angry at the people in Alistair’s past that put all those thoughts in his head in the first place, Dread Wolf take them, but that’s a conversation for another night. She’s gotten him to smile again and, for now, that’s enough.

“So.. Are you okay now, Alistair?” Raela asks once they’ve both settled back down, prepared to take as much time as needed to banish any more foul thoughts away. “Do you want to talk anymore?” Alistair frowns, though the expression that crosses his face when he looks away this time is embarrassed, not upset, and he gives her a sheepish shrug when he meets her gaze again.

“Actually.. I’d rather get something to eat,” Alistair mumbles quietly before offering her another small smile. “Dealing with my feelings kind of makes me hungry..”

Raela blinks, stares at his reddening face for a long moment, and then throws her head back with a laugh so loud that it has Dunco leaping to his feet with an alarmed bark.

Yeah.. For now, this was definitely enough.

* * *


End file.
